"I must insist that I have more inside of me. If not for success later on in life certainly for my sanity and future placement in the human race."
I spent some time today with a friend of mine who is very important to me, and he spoke to me about some of the feelings he's been wrestling with for the past few days.
While I'm not an excellent writer, I'm capable of writing things clearly. In order to improve I've been meaning to write more often, but I haven't had anything to write about.
My friend inspired me to think about what he was dealing with, because he's someone who matters to me, and what I write might be able to help him out. And even if I'm not able to write that effectively, I'll at least let him know I care.
I think, if you want to find more inspiration, remind yourself of what you care about. When you expose yourself to something new, perhaps you'll just accept it as it is. That is something. Accepting something as it is, going along with the flow, that this is part of the process of something more, or just singular ordinary thing. And think about how it might relate to something you care about. Go into the past, or what you'd like to see in the future.
I know that isn't what you asked, so to answer your question: in a positive way, what fires me up is thinking about wanting to make a change, to right some wrong, to make people see reason, and open up to empathy. What shakes me up is when I want to have made a certain impression but I feel like I didn't make it, and wishing I could correct the mistake. What moves me is experiencing something beautiful, feeling as though my soul is reaching for it, to fully experience it and not let it end.
So I'm itching like crazy from bugbites. It's better to be outside running around then staying in the same place gardening though because then you can't get away from the goddamn bugs. But I need to garden more to pay for the Lousiana trip and everything.
There's so much stuff in my room. Music cds in a box on the heater. Random auxiliary supplies like glue and tape and calculators. Another box for medications. Pens and boxes in a mini 3 drawer thing. Books. "Essentials and shit like bug spray and vitamins and chapstick and postits.Photos. Another box of things like shampoo and contact lens and cough syrup. Paper speakers and paper clips and keyboard spray and pencils and index cards and more boxes and crafts stuff in a box like paint and ribbon and cardboard boxes from purchased items. Sharpies and notebooks. Then books and mags and more notebook things and a broom stick and paper cutter and guitar. More papers under my desk, a balance board thingy, external hard drives. Wires.
If I could just move some of these things, or make it so where they were made sense...
I feel like there's nothing to do every day but I need to get back in the habit of working. Goddammit. Feel useful. Feel capable. Workout, study, work in the garden, clean up, practice music, practice writing or speaking even dammit. Argh.
But I'm incapicated by wanting to do things I'm too afraid to try.
SOOO I try and fuck up and do everything I can to fix it or prevent it.
All I can do is try.
People, though...sometimes trying isn't enough. But the secret isn't not trying. It's not worrying.
All this awesomeness...got to keep it in sight. No matter what. And function.
Like, if your heart's some kind of pitcher or something, except it keeps on overflowing with loving and just keeps going and going and you kinda need it to stop cuz it's just going to keep on hurting and it's pointless because all the loving in the world won't change the way things are.
It's a lot harder to love someone when you can't show them you love them. If you can't share it with them. Gotta keep a lid on it. Except I don't have to do that, do I? I'm still afraid. But I can face that. And I can try to love and I can face rejection too.
It's weird...it does hurt in your chest. I wonder why love feels like that. The heart's just a muscle, right?
I won't get hung up on anyone one thing. There's always more out there and you've just got to believe.
Life goes on, good things happen, going to and fro, time passes, but life is for living so keep your eyes open but don't be afraid of feeling or hoping or believing.
